Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Feeling a Bit Shy

Amid some speculation that I will not be able to put a coherent sentence together without mentioning my precious grandbaby, let me just reassure you that if anything I am feeling shy about the whole thing.

Yes, the trip was glorious, and yes I am totally and completely smitten with the new family member, and yes I cried more than a few tears saying goodbye. In fact I had a mini-meltdown in Stuff Mart as I bought her Christmas present – a Hallmark book I had to read and record several times until my voice stopped cracking with emotion.

With that said, I know that others would love to be parents or grandparents and simply aren’t. For one reason or another God has not chosen to bless them in the same way. The same goes with my big family. Most people think we are nuts to have had seven children, but others are envious that God did not bless them with a healthy child for as many pregnancies.

Back when I lost a baby in my second trimester of pregnancy, the hardest thing I had to do was assist a friend in labor and childbirth. It was a bittersweet time.

My instinct is always to downplay my blessings to avoid hurting others unnecessarily. Is that weird? Maybe it’s the old people-pleasing gene coming back to haunt me. I’m not sure. All I know is that everyone I meet is facing some battle, and I hate to be the one to inflict injury by boasting of my bliss.

Meanwhile dh and I are planning to leave on Friday for three amazing days on the beach to celebrate our anniversary. We never did take a honeymoon, always intending to do that “someday.” Seven children later, someday never came. Finally we are ignoring the pocketbook and just going to seize the moment.

This, too, makes me feel a bit shy. I shared with our supporters our plan to escape on this hopefully romantic getaway, but now I worry about how people perceive it. Finances are tight, and this seems like a foolishly extravagant expense right at the end of the year.

What will people think? Just when I think I am free from this worry, it plagues me once again. What about my single friends, and those who are not-so-happily married? What about those who don’t live anywhere near a lovely but cheap vacation spot?

The world says to pursue and embrace pleasure and forget what people think. I don’t want to do that, but nor do I want to pretend it is a virtue to care too much what others think. Most friends are thinking nothing whatsoever. Probably they are rejoicing with me in my various celebrations this month.

Keeping it real, this is my story right now. I’m going from joy to bliss and back again. I am truly blessed.

My prayer is that you are experiencing God’s grace and peace, whether you are enduring heavy trials or a lovely reprieve.

IRL* My new name is GJ for Grandma Jamie, a title I am proud but shy to bear.


  1. Your words are full of love and honesty and longing. Your questions and wonderings are real, and bless your heart for pondering them and seeking to do what's good and right and best. I say: Enjoy your get-away! I rejoice with you in knowing you and your husband can do this--celebrate your marriage! And may God give you His peace and joy in doing so!


  2. I understand there are tragic circumstances that happen from time to time that might cause some of us to be in a time of mourning, but for most of us, aren't we commanded to rejoice with those who rejoice?

    If you can't find it in your heart to rejoice with someone who's experiencing a pleasant season in their existence, your navel could probably do with a bit less examination.

    Congratulations!!! Live it up! Rejoice!!!

  3. Thanks for rejoicing with me, y'all. You've both put a smile on my otherwise totally happy face today. :)

  4. So happy to read of your bliss! I hope you can enjoy your three day get away, without thinking too much "What will supporters thing???" I can relate to those questions.

    And yes, I've also had twinges of guilt over single friends or childless friends when I consider my blessings. May God give us all grace to rejoice with each other when appropriate and cry with each other when needed!

  5. I always look forward to your posts each week. But I particularly appreciated this one. I recently had my first baby. And having friends who are struggling with miscarriages and infertility I could totally relate to your post. I want to make every Facebook update about how in love I am with my little man. But having gone through a miscarriage myself, my heart is breaking for the friends I have who are longing to hold a baby.

  6. It's always reassuring to realize others have walked in my footsteps. Thank you for taking time to add a comment. And CONGRATULATIONS, Michelle! What a wonderfully joyful Christmas you will have this year, too.

    Maybe it's good to have experienced the miscarriages so we can also grieve with our mourning friends, hoping some day they will experience our joy, too. Infertility is so epidemic these days, I would think FB a mighty painful place to hang out.

    With that said, I rush to the computer now to see if any new photos have been added, so please don't hold back. Think of your family members who are far away!

  7. Enjoy! Enjoy your grandbaby, and completely enjoy your three days! I only wish it was longer!

    We also lost a child, and there was a time where grief came with watching those who were pregnant with me deliver live babies... but there was a joy hidden under the pain, too. Now, years later, I enjoy those children - seeing how big they are, what they are doing.

    DON'T worry what supporters think!!!! If they begrudge you three days of blissful rest, they are not SUPPORTERS!

    We just took three days, too. My husband came back (safely!!!) from "over there", and we didn't take a few family days as "there was just so much to do". We just kept going. Three weeks in, we had an argument, and our relationship went into the Ice Age. Suddenly three free days opened up, and we questioned the break we had been planning to take... should we even do it now...I mean, do I really want to hang out with that man?! But we did. three days away - somewhere lovely, with no work, no agenda. We connected right away - we were just both exhausted! We NEEDED a rest. Several weeks away are tough on both of us, especially with the added stress of where he went. Now we are back on track, functioning fine, ready for Christmas and all the extra work that involves.

    Long story - short point! TAKE BREAKS! Your supporters should actually be demanding that you do it. (Our church began to do that, and we've been better people for it.)

  8. I love that you "keep it real" Jamie Jo--- this is what I love most about your posts. I am rejoicing with you, as you rejoice! What a little breath of heaven you have had the chance to hold in your arms!!


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